Goodbyes and Heartache-Megan

Today was my last day at RSO, and my heart is breaking. Yesterday was my last full day. I woke up feeling good except I got a cold which is not bueno but fine cause I can still do everything. Then I was on medical and it was great to see the people again and help them and smile and just feel that tangible love that I still can’t describe. I think that is India though, so amazing, life changing, and indescribable. One man was talking to me during medical and his English was really good. He kept saying thank you madam and then I would say you’re welcome. Then he looked at me and said, “We are lepers and no one looks up to us or comes to help us, thank you madam.” I didn’t know what to say. We were told that it was like this but to have one of these amazing people afflicted with leprosy vocalize it and degrade himself by calling himself a leper really hit me. I quickly responded with “well we love you, and want to help you.” He was such a cute old man saying I was new doctor but he was old patient and then laughed. I wish these people could see their worth. I think I have helped somewhat by showing them love but I can’t wait till they get to meet their creator and know their incredible worth.
After that we went back to RSO and stopped at the junction for ice cream and such which was fun. Then I took a break till it was play time which turned into a water fight. It started out with water balloons being sling-shoted in the air by the kids and the other kids running to see and catch them and ended with buckets of water on almost everyone. I managed to stay somewhat dry but others were soaked. That sort of changed the evening routine but it was so worth it cause they had so much fun. Then we did dinner, which was interrupted by a rain storm. We eat on the roof every night under a canopy but that didn’t work so well when the canopy was soaked and the rain was like a full blast shower. Luckily, we were already wet.  Then it was bed time/play with the kids one more time. This was so hard for me. We did the regular reading, make-overs, and tons of pictures but as bed time came and they found out I was going back to America their little frowns just broke my heart. Then they gave me cards and we said goodbye for a long time. They started to cry so we did the moccoraina to cheer them up and didn’t stop till everyone was giggling. Then the goodbyes started up again and it was so hard. They all told me to come back. Sabasri said, “you go to America tomorrow you come to India on Saturday.” Then Eswari begged me to take her with me but I promised to write and was slowly pulling myself away, then Sathya made me cry just looking in her eyes and as we did the I love you sign and touched our fingers together. Then I hugged and kissed them one last time and went back to the elephant house with a ache in my chest. That ache only got bigger with today though.
I woke up, packed, ate and pretended like I was not leaving in an hour or so. I wanted so badly to have this be just another day but it isn’t and it hasn’t fully hit me yet, but the glimpse like last night of realizing it is actually over makes me scared of feeling empty. When my stuff was ready to go we had our last conclave where we went around and shared with the group. It was inspiring and wonderful to see how these new friends have grown over the last 3 weeks. It is gradual but clear. I wonder if people at home will see the change.
I shared with the group a journal entry and talked about how each person in the colonies added their own threaded to the blanket of love that covered me and continues to cover me. This is true with all the people and kids I have met here. Their small actions added a thread to my own personal love blanket. The love here is amazing and I know that I say that all the time but I can’t seem to be able to describe it. I now know pure love and charity or at least more so. I told them that I and learned so many things here like love, charity, patience, the worth of souls, the power of stigmas, and my own strength to name a few, and I know what India did for me. As for what I did for India I think I added my own threads to other people’s love blankets. I hope they could feel my love and the spirit and I think they did. I still don’t know if I touched one person or a ton of did something no one else could but I know I have a purpose and I was supposed to come to India and whether that is just to add threads of love or something more and bigger I don’t know but I trust that God knows. I wish I could put into words all my feelings or even the experience but not one will know unless they have been there. Experience is the only thing that will do it justice, cause my words can’t.
After many wonderful thoughts, griffins amazing song that made me bawl, and tons of tears it was time to say goodbye to the other volunteers not coming to the Marriot. It shocked me who made me cry. I said goodbye to my amazing room buddies like Laura Jane and Kim and was going around hugging, promising to hang out, and dry cheeked when I got to Katie W. We were not super close or anything I just thought she was amazing and great. Then she started telling me how beautiful she thought I was and how strong and how she felt the spirit around me and how I seemed so in touched and I lost it. I had no idea anyone let along her thought that about me. I was so grateful she shared it with me and it made me wonder and think about how many time people touch us and we don’t tell them and yet it would mean so much. It meant so much to me and we just cried and hugged. Then I got to the other Katie who told me similar things about how much she loved me and how she had written down my thoughts and such. I was so touched again. I wish I was more eloquent and could express to each person how they blessed my life and what they taught me and their examples. Some of them more than others of course but they all did. And that is not to say some were better that is just who did it for me more which I am sure is different for everyone.
I could go on for hours but I would not even chip the ice berg. Cause there is so much love, appreciation, and oh I don’t even know inside of me and yet an ache as well. I am at the Marriot now and I can feel the ache and yet the joy filling me. Yes I don’t want it to be over but at least it happened and for that I will be forever grateful and changed for the better.

Keep your “Indian Eyes”