Goodbyes and Heartache-Megan

Today was my last day at RSO, and my heart is breaking. Yesterday was my last full day. I woke up feeling good except I got a cold which is not bueno but fine cause I can still do everything. Then I was on medical and it was great to see the people again and help them and smile and just feel that tangible love that I still can’t describe. I think that is India though, so amazing, life changing, and indescribable. One man was talking to me during medical and his English was really good. He kept saying thank you madam and then I would say you’re welcome. Then he looked at me and said, “We are lepers and no one looks up to us or comes to help us, thank you madam.” I didn’t know what to say. We were told that it was like this but to have one of these amazing people afflicted with leprosy vocalize it and degrade himself by calling himself a leper really hit me. I quickly responded with “well we love you, and want to help you.” He was such a cute old man saying I was new doctor but he was old patient and then laughed. I wish these people could see their worth. I think I have helped somewhat by showing them love but I can’t wait till they get to meet their creator and know their incredible worth.
After that we went back to RSO and stopped at the junction for ice cream and such which was fun. Then I took a break till it was play time which turned into a water fight. It started out with water balloons being sling-shoted in the air by the kids and the other kids running to see and catch them and ended with buckets of water on almost everyone. I managed to stay somewhat dry but others were soaked. That sort of changed the evening routine but it was so worth it cause they had so much fun. Then we did dinner, which was interrupted by a rain storm. We eat on the roof every night under a canopy but that didn’t work so well when the canopy was soaked and the rain was like a full blast shower. Luckily, we were already wet.  Then it was bed time/play with the kids one more time. This was so hard for me. We did the regular reading, make-overs, and tons of pictures but as bed time came and they found out I was going back to America their little frowns just broke my heart. Then they gave me cards and we said goodbye for a long time. They started to cry so we did the moccoraina to cheer them up and didn’t stop till everyone was giggling. Then the goodbyes started up again and it was so hard. They all told me to come back. Sabasri said, “you go to America tomorrow you come to India on Saturday.” Then Eswari begged me to take her with me but I promised to write and was slowly pulling myself away, then Sathya made me cry just looking in her eyes and as we did the I love you sign and touched our fingers together. Then I hugged and kissed them one last time and went back to the elephant house with a ache in my chest. That ache only got bigger with today though.
I woke up, packed, ate and pretended like I was not leaving in an hour or so. I wanted so badly to have this be just another day but it isn’t and it hasn’t fully hit me yet, but the glimpse like last night of realizing it is actually over makes me scared of feeling empty. When my stuff was ready to go we had our last conclave where we went around and shared with the group. It was inspiring and wonderful to see how these new friends have grown over the last 3 weeks. It is gradual but clear. I wonder if people at home will see the change.
I shared with the group a journal entry and talked about how each person in the colonies added their own threaded to the blanket of love that covered me and continues to cover me. This is true with all the people and kids I have met here. Their small actions added a thread to my own personal love blanket. The love here is amazing and I know that I say that all the time but I can’t seem to be able to describe it. I now know pure love and charity or at least more so. I told them that I and learned so many things here like love, charity, patience, the worth of souls, the power of stigmas, and my own strength to name a few, and I know what India did for me. As for what I did for India I think I added my own threads to other people’s love blankets. I hope they could feel my love and the spirit and I think they did. I still don’t know if I touched one person or a ton of did something no one else could but I know I have a purpose and I was supposed to come to India and whether that is just to add threads of love or something more and bigger I don’t know but I trust that God knows. I wish I could put into words all my feelings or even the experience but not one will know unless they have been there. Experience is the only thing that will do it justice, cause my words can’t.
After many wonderful thoughts, griffins amazing song that made me bawl, and tons of tears it was time to say goodbye to the other volunteers not coming to the Marriot. It shocked me who made me cry. I said goodbye to my amazing room buddies like Laura Jane and Kim and was going around hugging, promising to hang out, and dry cheeked when I got to Katie W. We were not super close or anything I just thought she was amazing and great. Then she started telling me how beautiful she thought I was and how strong and how she felt the spirit around me and how I seemed so in touched and I lost it. I had no idea anyone let along her thought that about me. I was so grateful she shared it with me and it made me wonder and think about how many time people touch us and we don’t tell them and yet it would mean so much. It meant so much to me and we just cried and hugged. Then I got to the other Katie who told me similar things about how much she loved me and how she had written down my thoughts and such. I was so touched again. I wish I was more eloquent and could express to each person how they blessed my life and what they taught me and their examples. Some of them more than others of course but they all did. And that is not to say some were better that is just who did it for me more which I am sure is different for everyone.
I could go on for hours but I would not even chip the ice berg. Cause there is so much love, appreciation, and oh I don’t even know inside of me and yet an ache as well. I am at the Marriot now and I can feel the ache and yet the joy filling me. Yes I don’t want it to be over but at least it happened and for that I will be forever grateful and changed for the better.

Keep your “Indian Eyes”

thoughts credulities and conclusions

It is the last day here at Rising str for Meg and I. Break time for the volunteers, and yet I find myself not wanting to take a break today. It feels like Iam lying to myself saying, that it is the last day. I packed last night so that today I can spend as much time with the kids as possible. Doing so much just to stay here and do as much as I can. I have been giving my all everyday to the best I can, and I still feel it is not enough. I guess that is just how it is at the end of something incredible. As I have always done I am writing what will be my last post about Rising Star for this year at least, and maybe even for this trip, entitling it "thoughts crdulities and conclusions. I do this partially as a tradition, but moreso as that is what I always to. I write my thoughts the credulities of the whole, and the conclusions I have drawn from it all. I have butterflies in my stomach just writing the three words cause I know what it means.
THOUGHTS:
Love is givng your all to another without expecting back. A moment, t ime as it always does, passes to memory, taking lfight like a dove. butterflies in your stomach at the end bring tears of love, joy, and still sadness at the end of something great. Our Greates friends are made in the hardest moments, and times of life, and are kept by experiencing with them more of what I believe should just be called life, not hard times, or trials but life, and happiness, proving us to the end. Love can never be measured by any instrument, because it would never be great or big enough to accurately do its job. Love grows to fast, and is never ending, like the big band theory, it just keeps expanding as we allow, letting in more people as we serve them, and experience life with them. The tears in my eyes may water this computer to damage. the Priesthood is incredible and a reality on earth when righteous men weild it. Indian people as many in third world countries find the happiness we all seek simply in family and friends, and the touch of love by others.

CREDULITIES:
This is the part where I right sensible logical truths of this trip. The greatest moments, the greatest things. Are you ready? alright Lets go....
In the last three weeks of my life I have made friends that I hope would never cease to be my friends. We share something so special and it is so simple...just our experience here. It is sad that I can not take this place with me, all the way to America, but I would not want to anyway. It is a magical place with something special, and that is the hand of God in the work that is done. How else could one explain that volunteers always seem to just find out, and come. Many of us here right now at one point or another felt very strongly that we needed to be here, and that it is now our duty to spread to others. I know that Heavenly Father is in so much of what we do, but here I feel especially to change the lives of India for the better. So many of the kids here are bright, intelligent people. In their eyes I seriously can see the future leaders of this country, that can prove that even from leprosy affected colonies and families, Heavenly Father can raise up many amazing people to do his work ont his earth.
Last night my boys tried so hard to get me to promise to come back. They bugged me and bugged me (actually bug is the wrong word), they just were persistent with their opinion. I guess I willbe coming back and hopefully sooner than later. Mom Dad if you are reading this, this would be one of the greatest family trips you could ever bring us on. No matter what I think I will just make it happen, because I have fallen in love with this place. We took some great pictures, but th best were the hugs last night. Even then they were hugging me like it was the last time they would see me for a long long time. They hug with everything they have, and are not held back by suspiscion, or doubt. They have so much trust, and are like children spoken of in the scriptures. I will never forget those hugs last night, and I cant wait to feel them again tonight. I am even goingn to wake up early to go eat breakfast with them in the morning, because I will still need to see them one last time.
One of the greatest moments, though is realizing that one of the reasons I am here is for a boy named Karthik who is older, and a pretty big kid. I think he is sixteen. He is so quiet and reserved. Kind and gentle, but just never spoke to many people. I spoke to him a few times, and we have a deep bond. on the bus rides to church he always had me sit with him, and would lay his head on my shoulder and lap, and always hold my hand. (Men here hold hands as a sign of great friendship, and brotherly love. Homosexuality is not eve recognized here.) He always gives me the biggest smiles, and always comes to talk to me. sometimes I still have to go out of my way to talk to him, because the other kids compete very hardcore for my attention. But his smile, and that moment when I realized I will never forget.
Here among many with nothing and yet everything I have found happiness. Parallell only tom my mission this whole experience is. Yet, maybe due to my maturation, maybe because I have expereinced my mission already, this almost seems deeper in some ways. But the key to happiness was once again thrust into my mind, and that is that Service=Charity. If you serve someone else, you will love them. Deeper and Deeper each time you lift a foot to brush off the dirt, each time you hold a frightened feverish boy in your arms, each time you spend every last ounce of energy tutoring and playing with a child, each time you reach out your hand, and touch the hand of one who has not ever even dreamed that they would feel that warmth again it grows still deeper. That is why love can never be measured, nor will it ever be, unless you stop serving. In that moment it can be measured and weighed, to find you wanting.
I am not sure if everything I write makes sense to everyone who reads this, but that is partially because my stomach is about to burst in butterflies, and my tears are about to drown me. But dont worry I am a good swimmer.

CONCLUSIONS:
I have had the greates three weeks of my life here. I am not afraid to say that. It is a conclusion. I came here as Griffin Mansell, I leave as Griffin Mansell, but that person with the same name, is changed all the better. I will never be again who I was when I came out here, and I will never be again tomorrow who I am right now. Each Day brings a change in some way. It is inevitble, and the last three weeks each day, has brought a better change in me. but 21 betters together, and then you have who I am in this moment, but still not who I will be tomorrow. Tomorrow there will be a chance to make that 22 or to make it still 21, but add 1 to a different part of me, perhpas the selfish part or something. It is my choice, and everybodys choice. The Greatest Conclusion, and realization that has come to me in the last three weeks is this: Heavenly Father LOVES ALL his children, no matter race, gender, background, religion, and had created us in his church to show that to everyone else, either by teaching them the gospel or by showing them. Both begin to accomplish his work and design!!!! I love India with all my heart, and these have been my thoughts credulities and conclusions.

-Grif

Turning a 180 - megan

So my post earlier was about how I was sick and everything and how much I missed my girls. Well as luck would have it I feel so much better and was actually able to go to my family and tuck my girls in. It was so great to see them and walk in and see thier smiles. They all told me how sad they were for me cause I was sick yesterday and that they missed me. It broke my heart when Eswari said that she cried when I didn't come. I am just really grateful that I was able to go and spend some time with them. They all were worried about the cuts and lumps on my face and said " I sad for you antie" and "don't cry." I assured them that I wouldn't at least not till tommorrow when it is my last night then I really might ball. Then we talked and read stories. Davey decided to give me a make over and Eswari did my hair and Davey did my makeup while Sathya documented. :) I looked like a girl from the 80's but it was fun. After Eswari had me sing her songs from the hymn book, and the little girls like Sagamari and Misba sang a goodnight song to me, andria, and chelsea which might have been the sweetest sound to enter my ears. When their eyes started to droop and after reassuring them that I would be here tommorrow, they ended thier hugs and said goodnight. It was so sweet and wonderful. These little girls have been through so much and have nothing and yet they are so giving and loving it amazes me. I have learned alot just being around them and sometimes I think they are teaching me way more than I can ever teach them and I love them all so much.

I lost a fight to an Indian Door- Megan

So I am still sick and stuck and bed which sucks cause I really want to be out there with the kids playing and serving but there are blessings to being sick too. So to explain the title, this morning when it was still dark I woke up with really bad nausea and ran to the bathroom but then I got really light headed and fuzzy and knew that I was about to faint and all I could think is that I needed help so I ran back to my room but then fainted and slammed into the door. It was loud enough to wake everyone up and I soon had 5 amazing girls by my side who were checking me and helping me and ran and got Griff and Derek and Jenny. I was rolling on the ground just so sick and miserable. Then Griffin gave me a blessing and I calmed down alot and felt so peaceful. I knew that I was going to be ok but they didn't and so they forced fluids into me and I was not allowed to sleep until the doctor came to check and see if I had a concussion. I didn't luckily just a big goose egg and gash on my forehead, chin, and knees and my lip was split open. The doctor gave me ointment and medicine for the nausea and I went back to bed. So far I have been feeling alot better. I am still sick and can only eat easy foods to digest and can't stand for long periods of time but I hope by tommorrow that will change if I rest enough. I don't want to miss my last day at RSO. So although I am weak and look like I lost a fight I am just happy to be feeling better and so grateful for the preisthood and to have worthy men in my life that can give me blessings when I need them. Being sick has actually been surprisingly uplifting in other ways and I know that there is a reason for it. I will blog tommorrow and let you know how I am doing. Pray for me please. :)

Sickness -Megan

So isn't ironic that as soon as I post about how wonderful it is to be back and play with the kids and work hard and everything like that I get sick and can't see them. Last night I started feeling sick but I kept on pushing through the stomach cramps and light headedness because I didn't want to miss anything. I am happy I did though. It was worth it to have them scream butterfly and come running to me and wrap thier arms around me. That is thier nickname for me by the way and then I got to play with the girls and get to know one better. She is so sweet and spiritual. She always talks about God and how if she prays everthing will be ok. She amazes me and yesterday she came up to me all sad and told me she did not pass her science exam. I just held her and told her how smart she was and that she was going to do great on the next one. Soon I was able to cheer her up and then we went to pray and then I went to dinner where I started to feel worse but I was not about to miss kissing the girls goodnight or giving the birthday girl Sathya the card I made for her so I went and had a great time even with the pain. Eswari gave me a cross with christ on it and brushed my hair and they were all so happy and cute as we read books and then I kissed them all goodnight and went to the elephant house. Unfortunatly, I started feeling worse but wanted to watch Slumdog Millionaire so I stayed up thinking that it is probably just my regular stomach pains but it wasn't.
This morning I woke up really sick and could barely stand. So I have been in bed the whole day trying to get over this bug or whatever it is. I am sad to miss the kids and everything but looking on the bright side I have decided that I just have to rest today and then tommorrow hopefully I can play hard and be all better. Also it was good cause I got to talk to the girls and we had a great spiritual talk. So it is ok. I am feeling a little better and hope to be all better in the morning.

It is great to be back-megan

Today was so great. It was so nice to get to work again and serve and be with the kids. Today I got to do construnction but before we went to work in the colonies we got to walk down the street to the Bindu School of Art that was set up by a man and he teaches some of the leprosy afflicted to paint as their proffession. Some of them are missing fingers and all of them have leprosy but they paint the most beautiful pictures. We met the people and saw them painting then we told them that we were interested in buying some of them and they opened up closets full of pictures. We looked through hundreds of them and I was able to narrow it down to two paintings. They are gorgeous and a prized possesion now. They are more expensive then other things I have been getting but it is for a good cause. The money goes back to the community to help build it more and then the artists recieve part of it as payment but it is a pool and so they all get paid even if one sells more than the other. They have even gone to art shows and sold them for hundreds and the best part of that is not the money but the fact that they are again fighting the stigma and showing that they have talents and are amazing people capable of things that I can't do like paint well. They are part of a group that are showing the world that they have worth and can contribute to society and thier disease will not keep them as beggers on the streets. That is what this whole amazing program is about and it is helping to end this stigma which is worse than leprosy. As mother teresa said, "One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody" and "Lonliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty" We often say that the stigma hurts more than the disease so while we are helping them medically it would be almost nothing if we didn't help them prove the stigma wrong and show themselves and the world thier worth.

Sunday

Yesterday was amazing!!!! I felt so good again finally, and the best part was church. In fact It might be one of the highlights of this trip!!!! I sat down next to this random guy asked him his name and started talking. He was investigating the church and is getting baptized in August. There is like one or two baptisms a week there. insane kind of. I really enjoyed talking to him, and I had a great chance to really bear my testimony as well, and help him with questions he randomly trusted me with. It was great to feel like a missionary again!!! His name was Kellep. TIght name it was.
church was good because we got there on time and I was able to partake of the sacrament, which really was a great blessing to have once again. I am back to full life now with lots of energy, and everyone seems ot be really happy about it!!! The afternoon consisted of a long bus ride home, on which Kartik fell asleep on my lap, and we hit a bump so big that I literall flew up in the air about a foot!!! IT woke everyone up which was really funny to watch being the only one still awake.
We also watched Ghandi, and like so often a good movie does, it just moved me. I love movies baout men that do great things in the name of something righteous and good. I was so touched by so many things Ghandi did while watching it and the people themselves as they allowed themselves to be beaten but would not lift a finger against the others. Just like El Cid, and other such movies, I just pondered alot afte we stopped it at intermission to finish tonight!!!! It was a great day, and I felt so blessed to be here for it and not traveling.
-grif